Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
