So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
