So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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