matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
