I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
