'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
