she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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