he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
