if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
