I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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