she was so not down for the gang bang
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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