i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
