I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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