Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
