Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
