sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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