He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
