Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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