how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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