Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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