He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
