an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
