i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
