do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
