I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
