she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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