maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
