Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
