is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
