I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
