I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
