im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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