Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
