he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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