So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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