Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
