My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
