There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
