i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
