my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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