seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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