Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
