Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
