I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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