ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
