You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
