You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
