I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
