If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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