my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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